It was my parents’ twenty-fifth wedding anniversary. The living room was full of guests. Mom and dad were playing perfect hosts. Many mouth-watering delicacies were laid out to celebrate the occasion. Everyone was happy and was enjoying the party but I was not a part of it. I was lying in my bedroom, praying that no one finds out that I am missing. No matter how hard I tried I was not able to make myself ready to be a part of such an important occasion in my parents’ lives. The thought of food was instilling a feeling of contempt and fear in me. 

My heart sank when I heard a knock on my bedroom door. I did not reply. The knock was louder the second time. I kept on lying, pretending to be asleep. Mom did not give up. She kept on knocking and then started calling on my mobile, till I gave up and opened the door. She was furious and gave me a stern look. “What’s up, why did you take so long?” she asked. ‘I was asleep!!”, I replied. She gave a look of disbelief and ordered that she wants me downstairs within five minutes. I said that I was not well. She was even more furious this time. With moist eyes she said “today you have to choose which is more important to you; your figure or your parents’ happiness,” and she went downstairs. Had she been rude, I would have never given in but her moist eyes were shattering. 

I knew that my obsession with avoiding food and controlling my weight has taken a toll on her as well as my dad’s peace of mind. There has not been a single day in the past couple of years when we have not argued at the dining table. I thought that if my parents ever come to know that after eating, I stick my finger down my throat to vomit, they will take me for treatment. Their belief that I am suffering from some disorder would become stronger. By this time mom called on my mobile once more. I immediately changed my clothes and rushed downstairs. Most of the guests were my dad’s colleagues whom I had met after a long time. All of them were staring at me as if something is extremely wrong.

One old lady asked my dad, ‘What’s wrong with her. She looks so pale and malnourished.” Poor dad did not reply and just smiled wryly. After that, the lady constantly observed every action of mine throughout the party. She observed how I refused all requests to eat. She observed how I was avoiding food as much as I could. Then she came nearer to me and sat beside me as close as she could. I was feeling awkward and was looking for an opportunity to move away. But I failed each time I tried as that lady was making all attempts to keep me involved in the conversation. The conversation was just an excuse. Her eyes were inspecting each aspect of my personality both inward and outward. 

Suddenly she looked at my knuckles and shouted “Oh! My God! Look at her knuckles. They are full of scars.” Her reaction was not of surprise. Her attempt was just to draw mom and dad’s attention towards us so that she can investigate my case even more intricately by observing their reactions. By now I was sure she had got successful in guessing what I and my family were going through. To prove that what she was thinking was wrong, I picked a fairly large piece of pizza and took a bite or two. Then I slowly went to the kitchen and threw it into the bin. When I turned back, I shuddered in surprise that both my mom and that old lady were standing at the kitchen door and had seen what I did. I rushed to my room, closed the door and straightaway went to the washroom. Just as I did after every meal, I forced myself to vomit whatever little I had taken in. After this routine job, which gave me immense relief from the guilt of eating, I took my favorite fashion magazine and started flipping through the pages. Every model looked stunning. I wanted to be like them, or perhaps even better. I stood in front of the mirror and started observing my body from the front. Then I tilted towards the side to have a look at my buttocks. I was not satisfied with what I saw in the mirror. I wanted to be thinner even when I was size zero. Sometimes I felt like stopping myself from going in front of the mirror so often but my actions were not in my control. I use to observe my figure minutely in the mirror at least twenty times a day. But each time I got a message from there that I will have to work harder in my mission.

I was tired of rejecting my image. I knew that I was not normal but things were beyond my control. My heart ruled over my mind. The party was just an example; I was an odd person out everywhere, in the gym and my school. The gym instructor warned me not to come to the gym if I want my limbs to function. I was tired of suggestions, amused looks, and contempt that I got from others. I was lonely. There was no one to understand me. Not only this, I could not handle cold at all. Even a slight dip in temperature kept me bedridden for days. I was not able to cope with the slightest change of climate because I didn’t have the energy for it.

One Sunday morning when I was, as usual, arguing with my parents for not having breakfast, the old lady came. She looked worried and sympathetic. She had brought several documents that she had collected from different health magazines as well as the internet to convince us that I seriously needed medical intervention. She said that during her youth, one of her close friends suffered from anorexia nervosa which is an emotional disorder in which people hate having food. Due to lack of cure she had died of malnutrition. My parents were shocked to know the consequences of my behavior if I am left on my own for a few more days. The lady sat with us and asked me to be honest about my condition, feelings, and fears. She wanted my parents to be well aware of my situation. That lady’s presence gave me immense strength to speak out my condition openly in front of my parents. I gave an account of all my obsessive actions that I indulge in without the knowledge of my parents. I showed them my swollen joints which were the result of the disorder that I was suffering from. My mother broke down. My father seemed devastated.

I was immediately taken to a competent medical professional. He understood my problem even faster than that old lady who was being considered a boon by my parents. He suggested a variety of tests like CBC, ELISA, liver function test, neuroimaging, SPECT imaging, etc. to confirm my disorder before starting the treatment. After the disorder got confirmed through medical reports, my doctor started working towards restoring my body weight. He focused on nutrition therapy that took care of all the requirements of my body so that my weakness and other physical symptoms vanish as soon as possible. Apart from providing me a diet chart he also prescribed zinc supplements and essential fatty acids.

My parents were relieved after the treatment started. My mother took care of me and my diet as if I was a new-born baby. But despite all this care and attention, I faced certain immediate difficulties. I felt tempted to return to my old lifestyle. However, this time my mother was not willing to take any chances. She started taking me for psychotherapy as well. She was determined to see me healthy and happy once again. Psychotherapy proved helpful in making me control my emotions and work on recovery. We also went through family therapy. My parents benefited a lot through this and regained their peace of mind. 

Tomorrow is my parents’ twenty-sixth wedding anniversary. Unlike last year my family is happy and united. Old days have returned. Though I am still on medication and therapy, I am a lot more confident of myself now. There will be a party at home this year too. But this party is a surprise party for my parents. This is the only gift that I can give them for all their love, support, and care. The old lady who had proved to be a messiah for my family would be sort-of a chief guest tomorrow. I owe a lot to her but what I can give her is just a small gift to express my gratitude. My advice to all those suffering from this life-shattering disorder – Anorexia Nervosa is to keep yourself abreast of the harms that this disorder can cause. Observe happy people and find for yourself that they are happy despite having an imperfect figure. It is difficult to return to your normal self on your own. Hence, I request all the sufferers to involve their family, friends, medical professionals, and psychotherapists to ensure their speedy recovery. They will help you in fighting the initial difficulties that you might face after diagnosis. They will prove to be your pillar of strength.