Why it helps to speak to a ‘trained’ listener?

How many times has someone come to you with, ‘I’m so tired today – I spent the entire day cooking and no one showed up to eat’, or the equivalent? Can you think back to what your response has been?

Was it, ‘I also had a really lousy day’? Or, ‘I know exactly how you’re feeling – this happened to me last week’? Or did you just remain silent and let your friend speak about what was going on for her? And, as you listened, were you responding to emails, playing a game on your phone, or giving the children directions?

None of these responses come from a bad place. Most of us reply the way we do because we care and because we want to show we understand and are available for the person. Sharing our own ‘lousy day’ is our way of saying, ‘You’re not alone’. But notice what quietly happens: the spotlight moves. The friend who came to talk about her empty dining table and the heaviness she is feeling because of that now finds herself listening to our story.

This is where a trained listener makes a difference.

When you sit with a counsellor or a psychologist – someone trained to listen – the space belongs to you. There is no competing story, no need to take care of the other person’s feelings, and no reason to consider whether you are talking too much or giving away too much information. A trained listener has learnt to set aside their own opinions, their own history, and their own urge to fix things, so that what remains is you and your experience at the centre of the conversation.

I often tell clients that what they probably notice when talking to a trained listener is the absence of an agenda. Nobody is waiting for you to finish so they can respond. Nobody is deciding whether you are right or wrong, dramatic or sensitive. That absence of judgement is what allows people to say the things they sometimes have not said even to themselves.

Hearing is about words. Being seen is about what lies beneath them. When your friend says, “I cooked all day, and no one showed up”, a trained listener will hear the tiredness, but also the possible hurt, the sense of being taken for granted, and perhaps a longing to matter to the people she loves. They reflect this back gently: “It sounds like you put so much of yourself into today, and it felt unnoticed”.

There is often a pause after that, which could be a moment when the burden lifts. Sometimes, there are a few tears. And then, “Yes, that’s exactly it”. That moment of recognition is what I believe we are all searching for. It is not advice or sympathy – it is the feeling of “someone gets me, someone sees my feelings”.

When we feel safe, our defences soften, and we can look at our feelings without being overwhelmed by them. Naming and speaking out what we feel, in the presence of someone who stays steady, helps us make sense of it. Emotions that were swirling, creating sadness, become clearer and more manageable. Many people leave a session not with a solution, but with lightness, because they have finally put the weight down for a while.

None of this means friends and family cannot be good listeners. They can, and the best of them are. However, listening well is a skill to be practised. Perhaps the next time someone shares their tired, ordinary, unremarkable day with us, we can put our device down, hold back our own story, and simply say, “Tell me more”.

If you want to speak to a trained listener, simply download the theratalk app!

Written by Archana Muthappa, Co-Founder and Chief Wellbeing Officer at Soulsync Ventures.

Author profile:

Archana Muthappa

Co-Founder & Chief Wellbeing Officer

Clinical Psychologist and Transactional Analyst with a near-thirty-year career at the intersection of strategy, public trust, and leadership — now devoted to bringing that depth to emotional wellbeing, grounded in genuine human connection.